Emi Leilani's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Emi Leilani [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Long time no write. [16 May 2002|06:40pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | None. ] Wow, it has been a very long time since I have written. I looked back over and read Shane's and Carrie's journals. I realize that I have missed having this as an outlet. Although the most exciting thing in my life is that... well I have no life. I work all day and go to school at night. Now, I don't expect any pity because this is obviously my own choice. I want back the things I used to have and I am going to work DAMN hard to get them back. Oh, not that it matters to anyone but Matt and I are still together, that is one good thing that I can say. 1 week shy of 1 year... Happiest year of my life I must say. Carrie and Shane, by the way, I miss talking to you two. I hope you are both well. And you should email me from time to time. Anywho, next class it starting soon. Comments: 7 kisses - Kiss my cheek.

Goodbye....for now [20 Nov 2001|11:29pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | None ] Well it is official tonight should be my last night online. My phone line has been officially permanently disconnected. If I am on tomorrow it is because someone has screwed up... and in my favor for once. I will obviously still have contact with Matt so ask him about me if you really care. Unless I can get cable.. and afford it I am going to be gone most likely.. until I get moved into a new apartment.... Gawd, I am really hating changed... this home has been my safe haven for 6 years... and that is changing.. My brother and sister-in-law have offered to let me move in with them for a short while... my goal is to not take them up on it... simply because I don't want to be dependent... I want to prove that I can do this..Plus I won't have privacy there. I want to have my own place so my sweetie can come and see me. I do have a cell phone My bro decided he would rather pay for that then what it would cost to have services restore... I am considering getting a ride over to Ed's back on Thursday and take all of his money out of his account.. lazy man never took me off of it.. Well you got to listen to me whining... It is gonna be hard... not only will I be without my kids I will be without those on the net who help keep my spirits up and keep me from feeling so lonely. *Gets tears in her eyes* I hope you all know I care for you more than I let on. It is defence in attempt to keep from getting hurt... anyway, I luvvles ya all... even you Shany-PIe. Carrie *MOrbid Luvin* Comments: 1 kiss - Kiss my cheek.

AYAHHH!!!! [19 Nov 2001|10:30am] [ mood | bouncy ] This is just a message... In hopes that Emi will update her journal on a regular basis... as long as she has the internet. I lubbers you, Emi!!! *morbid luvin'* Comments: Kiss my cheek.

Hmm [14 Nov 2001|06:43pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Simon- Lifehouse ] Many things have occurred in the past week or so. I lost my kids... My Ex deceived my brother into thinking things that weren't true and they took them when I went to see Matt. I guess perhaps I shouldn't have went but I did. Against my own thoughts and foreboding feelings I went. The visit with Matt was wonderful though. I had a great time with him. I think that we are getting much closer... it feels like it anyway. I have considered moving closer to him now as I have lost my job and will soon be losing my home. I have lost so much but Matt has been there for me. He is being very supportive,loving and understanding. I am just gonna write about different people here just because I feel I need to address what they mean to me. Taiku- He is a really good friend. It is funny although he tends to go off on me when he is pissed or something is wrong. He always comes back to say he is sorry. I don't know what it is about him but we have this relationship that I know I can talk to him and he will help keep me grounded. I am grateful for that. I mean it is like no matter what He knows that I am gonna forgive him for how he acts.... that he knows I care and am not gonna get all bitchy on him. He is on of the few people that I will let say what he does. I think it is funny he has his "Korean PImp" That makes me laugh. I can always count on him to make me laugh when I am down. It is als funny one thing that I really like about him is that he doesn't pull this dependecy act. He knows if I am in a bad mood or I don't say hi to him he doesn't get all depressed and shit and try to make me feel bad or guilty. Shaney-Pie I wuvvles ya! :-) Another good friend is Underfading. If you are someone who doesn't know here and are reading this . Visit her live journal she is a truly gifted young lady. She writes some really awesome poetry. She is very deep. On think I love about her is that she doesn't act like she needs to solve my problmes. She listens without being judgemental and encourages me to do what is best for me. I would actually like to meet her someday. She is a very intrigueing girl. ANd damn is she smart. WEll Carries *MORBID LUVIN!* And don't ask about that it is a thing just for me and carrie. We know what it is all about. Come to think of it she isn't around as much anymore.... I really miss her. WEll that ends today's entry.... Losing my internet soon for awhile I will try to write again soon. Anyway, Maybe soon I will have more interesting entries in here. Comments: 11 kisses - Kiss my cheek.

Halloween... [31 Oct 2001|08:07pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | None ] Not much really to say. This is the first full moon on Halloween in 46 years there won't be another one in the same amount of time. My mind is flooded with lots of things from the past. I am honestly tempted to cut the shit out of myself. I feel all panicky, all weird... just things are so weird. I know that alot of it has to do with the full moon. I do beleive it has effect on many things.. the way people act and such... for me.. the urge to end my life is the greatest it has been in such a very long time. Why I don't know... I have children who love me... a great man who loves me... all should be well in my world. Ms.Underfading...., I will steal that from you Shane, you are a very gifted young lady... sweet, intelligent, pensive.... Damn will you marry me? LOL! Anyway, Shane, you are a good friend, even though you tend to get bitchy... just like me.. you are always there to help me get my thoughts straight... a shame you aren't around tonight.... I could you a HUGE amount of grounding.... I think that is all I can manage tonight. Comments: 5 kisses - Kiss my cheek.

It's been awhile. [02 Aug 2001|11:44am] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | None ] Yes for those of you who have read my journal I am still alive. So much has happened so many feelings running through my head. This is one of those days... the kind where you want to say "Fuck it all, it's not worth it." Not sure what is going on in my life right now. I was face with some very real potentially life threatening medical things recently. The big "C" word was thrown around. Test were done and such.. but before anything was stated..the problem perhaps solved itseld. I had a mass on my ovary for those who don't know and there aren't many who do. Well last night, I spent the night in the ER a joyous place when you are in pain and not sure what the hell is going to happen and NO you can't have anything for pain. Well Gratefully it ruptured,without affecting any blood vessels so they don't believe there was any damage. Today I am tired, My mood is odd.... Honestly, I am rather depressed today. For those of you who wonder, yes I am still with Matt and I think things are going okay.. He says they.. I say they are.. but at times... I think seriously that things aren't going okay. His life has changed recently... He has started hanging out with Cliff and Rob more and.... I have noted some very obvious changes in his attitude and such... Things I don't like too much....It seems as though his attentiveness has decreased.. well When we are online... I feel freaquently ignored as I can say something to him and it is ignored. I have discussed this with him as it hurts when it happens he says it isn't on purpose and I beileve him still doesn't make it hurt any less. The other day...when I was there... we were discussing him not being on as much...Which is understandable... then he said something the very nearly crushed me. We were talking about people talking about him not being on as much anymore.... He said " Excuse me for actually getting a social life" My first thoughts were.... Yeah you have a social life but you are leaving the one you say you love behind.. I just felt very excluded from his life at that moment. And I got really angry.. of course I didn't leave feeling that way.. I wouldn't allow myself to. It is really strange.. I know he loves me Very very much so.... I guess I am just crazy Actually, I see myself trying to repeat bad habits and ruin what we have.....I have considered just walking away from the net for awhile.... I think that would be wise. So if I am not around you will know why... maybe...without this place... Naw...that thought won't be put down. Anyway, To all those who are my "friends" I do love ya whether you think so or not... just cause I don't always talk to yas doesn't mean you aren't always on my mind.... Comments: 1 kiss - Kiss my cheek.

[06 Jun 2001|11:38am] Dreams are reality or is Reality a Dream? I don't care which it is I just want to wake the hell up. Heh that was some stupid lil thought I had. But now I don't want to wake up. If this is all a dream then never wake me. If I am awake then let me never sleep again. The feeling I have is so beautiful as if the every color imagined is paraded before me. So sweet as if every scented flower has been presented to me in aromatic bouquet. AS if the most magnificent sights of the world float in my mind to admire their grandeur. -shakes her head reading what she has typed- Where did that come from? Wow, Anyway as anyone could tell from reading this I am happy. Let me tell you to be happy, truly happy, is an awe inspiring feeling. Something you want to give the world in very large doses so that everyone will be at peace. For once things seem so clear. Don't be deceived I still have my doubts and stuff of myself but they are not so overbearing.. they are not fully in focus. Why? I know I loved for who I am nothing more nothing less. Unconditional, the good, the bad, and the ugly. That in and of itself is mind boggling..completely mind boggling. Well gee I suppose all I am doing is rambling. To all those who know me... Forgive my inattentativness...you should know how I am feeling is nearly foreign to me please hold on. I will adjust to this and will be somewhat "normal" again. -Hugs to you all- Comments: 1 kiss - Kiss my cheek.

[04 Jun 2001|01:09am] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | MTV ] -blushes and giggles- Matt is reading my journal.. I don't know why that makes me all embarassed like. I would tell him any of this stuff and I have put it here for all of you to read and yet I blush knowing he is reading my thoughts. I don't know if he is aware of how much I love him... maybe he has a good idea. But to hear him say he loves me makes my heart skip a beat, I feel butterflies in my stomach.. something I haven't felt in such a long time. It amazes me I had no clue being with him would make me so happy. I mean as friends we got along great and now as a couple things are so incredible it is sorta scary, I kept waiting to hear one of the kids crying and wake up and find it all a dream. Matt has assured me that it isn't just a dream so I guess all this happiness is real... I will not complain. Words can't descibe the joyful feeling I get when I hear his voice, when I see his name come online... My heart skips a beat,a smile beams on my face and my voice changes when he comes to Vchat.. Melissa and I made note of that.. I think it takes on a dreamy like quality cause I am so happy. hmmmmm well Actually Matt is on right now and I think I want to molest and ravish him... and to Matt I know you are reading this so I will say... You know what?..................... I LOVE YOU!!! Comments: Kiss my cheek.

[28 May 2001|10:13am] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Teletubby music (ARGH!) ] Thing have been rather odd this week. Matt and I have gotten together something I would have never dreamed of happening. I am not by any means complaining. I happy that we are together he means the world to me, I love him so very much. But really enough of that... I want to talk about the "bad" thing I did this week. Some of you who read this already know how desperately I hate to hurt people or to have their pain be even remotely caused by me. Well I kinda broke a heart in all this. Thomas'. He is such a very nice guy, so sweet and caring. Playful and friendly and to be honest if I had known just even 2 days earlier that he had developed feelings for me... things would have been different...I wouldn't have hurt him. See the reason I especially hated hurting him is because I cared a great deal for him.. I would say my love for him had shifted to the romantic type love but indeed it was heading that way. Hopefully those of you who know me know that I am a rather faithful person when I am with someone.. I would not leave them for another...that is just wrong. I know Thomas is likely to be reading this and I hope he is cause I want him to know that I want him for my friend...I don't let go of people I care for easily and I don't want this to end up like many other friendships in which my not returning feelings ends it. The thought of that very nearly made me lose my control and cut last night... I wish I could say it would have been a controled cut but likely it would have not been simply 'cause I have several pent up things within me that would have been released. Matt is accustomed to my cutting and knows how to help me deal with it. Another benefit of being super close friends before getting involved in a relastionship. I would have hated Thomas to get thrown into something like that... especially since I never told him about that...if I did I don't recall. So many things not known...that I hadn't the courage to tell him... My only hope is that we can remain friends although it hurts if he chooses not to then I will understand and not hold it against him. Anyway enough for now I have things to do with the mighty lil munchkins. We already have been having pillow fights and wrestle on the living room floor... It had been an absolute blast felt really good to be laughing and such although my shoulder hurts like a bitch now it was completely worth it. Love ya all *hugs and Kotc* Comments: Kiss my cheek.

Happiness and confusion. [25 May 2001|10:09pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Listening to whatever was on MTV ] Well in talking with Matt he considers us together as do I. He is officially still with Kate but it is an open relationship. We have loved each other for a long time...Months.. I am glad that things are working for us to finally be together..everyone says we should be. The only thing I have a hard time with is if Kate says that she wants to be with him and him alone... Will he just dump me for her? I would concede.. I wouldn't make him feel bad for doing so.. My only wish is for him to be happy even if it doesn't involve being with me. Funny how Fate works.. I had met someone and was getting rather close to him, then it was like a door was opened for me wiht Matt. Thomas is the other guy's name.. he is very sweet.. seems to be much like me in my attitude as far as caring for another... He will remain a close friend. But it adds confusion.. seems like when I finally make a move to be with someone.. those who love me and want to be with me come from the woodwork. I hate hurting people by not returning their feelings.. probably more than anything else. I love Matt with all that I am...it feels so good to let those feelings flow freely. Every time I talk to him.. I long to be with him RL not for sexual stuff but just to hold him, cuddle and kiss him. That is my deepest fantasy involving him.. just to cuddle up in bed and talk with him, caress him and kiss him. He and I so close... I know that he will not lie to me and I won't lie to him.. He says his love for me the feelings are stronger for me then they ever were when he started with kate. But then a part of me wonders.. if he loves me so much why is it so hard for him to let go of her? Aside from a certain thing that I am aware of... which is enough in itself. Stuart, made a point to tell me that I was second best for Matt and that is all Matt would ever see me as... made me think...made me cry... makes me scared...those words made me want to die.... Stuart is jealous this I know...but still.. it hurt.. thinking about that now I wonder if I should just back off of Matt.. and halt all personal contact until he makes a decision.. but then wouldn't that be like trying to force him to choose me? I don't want him to ever think that I would do.. I think he knows me better.. but my mistrusting side wonders if he isn't taking advantage of that fact. Fuck..started off happy now I am sad. Comments: Kiss my cheek.

Things are looking up. [22 May 2001|06:12pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | None ] Well things seem to be looking up... Last night talking to Matt we had talked about Kate earlier...later he said that He didn't think they would be together much longer... he asked if I would be with him.. Silly him.. doesn't even realize he already had me... I have loved him for a long time now... It really seems as though a dream may come true. We have been close for a very long time... We both look forward to every conversation.. and the time we spend together. Damn .. this medicine is already taking effect.. I can't focus any longer... I just know...that I love him completely... he always makes me smile, Makes me feel loved... his concern and thoughts are always showing his care. One thing that makes me even better... is he won't lie to me even if he knows it will hurt he won't lie.... I love him....and I know he loves me. Perhaps for once my loyalty and persistance will be rewarded. Comments: 1 kiss - Kiss my cheek.

[18 May 2001|01:06pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Call and Answer by BNL ] Today is one of those days, the kind that I serious have to fight with myself to convince myself that I should live. Unfortunately this is one of those days that I know if not for the kids I would be gone.. my brains would be splattered against the wall. Not that anyone would particularly notice.. I mean it is just me. I personally don't who gets upset for what I am writing here today. I am tired of covering up how I feel for fear of pissing people off. Life is just getting overwhelming... So many things going on that I have not discussed with anyone.. Not sure I am likely to either. I told Iain last night that I am not gonna be coming to Vchat for awhile. The daily hearing of the others voices are making too many people too real. I look at the bracelet on my wrist the olive green and tan one. The one I made the day I told Rich I wouldn't cut anymore. LIke I have much choice if I cut he will cut me out of his life.... in thinking about it today..I think it doesn't matter anymore... He has already put me out of his life...He has his reasons of course but still it doesn't make it any easier. I was considering going up to visit him even started making plans to do so.. but I have decided that isn't gonna happen why go up there when all it will do is make me more attached to him. In fact, I am not gonna meet anyone from the net at all... I am going to meet Melissa at the Airport on her way back home to GA but other than that... I am not gonna do it. Why bother with it? I am gonna touch on a few topic that I have seen written about just cause well this is MY journal and MY thoughts.. Trust.. that is a really good topic... Honestly, I don't really trust anyone anymore... well perhaps Brandon but that is it. Everyone does things to meet their agenda. Rich has said he loves me... in everyway that if I were there things would be different...I think I believed that before he started shoving me aside. He says it is to protect me I think that is bullshit... he is afraid I will end up hating him.. Not possible but that is his choice.. If I were arrogant I would say it is his loss but well it isn't so. I have officially been alone as far a relationships are concerned for almost 3 months now.. I don't count the month and 1/2 that I spent everyday with Brett cause we weren't together. Brett, another prime example of how easily I get tossed aside although I will say the time we spent together I laughed and smiled more than I can remember in a very very long time. I have actually returned to Rping again... I am using new Characters though.. I don't think I will use Emi/Blaze for awhile... too much heartache involved with that Character. Okay well I am indirectly gonna write about something now.. only cause I can't come out and talk about it. I am gonna have to have surgery... When steve did what he did to me... he did some major damage... I have had surgery once before right after it happened. They told me that is was possible to have to have another one.. I really can't avoid it any longer.. In part it is gonna be exploratory.. trying to find out why it hurts. I know those reading this are wondering what and I will just say it.... I am celibate because since the rape and the ensuing repairs sex is extremely painful. I had sex once.. and mentally I froze... and it wasn't all that long ago either so I know it is partly in my mind.. but even to have an orgasm... with in a few moments I am doubled over with pain... they Drs agree something isn't right exactly what they don't know. *sighs* I have written enough for now. I don't have the will or the strength to go on.... I am in quite a bit of pain today. I rarely talk about it but I am often in pain have had pain pretty much since that day.. some days it is nothing more then a dull pain others it is like someone is stabbing me and twisting trying to pull my insides out. Oh well that is it for now. Comments: Kiss my cheek.

[12 May 2001|06:17pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | None ] Welll Earlier I had started to write about my friends but was pulled away as much as I want to continue that I know I can't right now. I am cycling entirely too fucking fast. At this very moment I am in an extremely rageful moment so anything I would right now would be incredible negative and would not reflect on how I truly feel about them. So right now I am just gonna type through this rage. Dammit I have so may things going through my mind.. so many hateful spiteful things to say but I don't want to hurt anyone.. When I am like this there is nothing good can come of what I have to say. Okay well I have calmed down a bit but I don't know for how long it will be. And I have lost my desire to write in this for now so I am gonna post this then come back later Comments: Kiss my cheek.

Luka [11 May 2001|03:38pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Heh Luka by Susan Vega of course ] I just thought I would share with you all why this song has significance to me. I heard it when I was younger. For a short time it was theme of sorts for child abuse.. although My parents never really physically harmed me.. my brothers made up for it. Anyway...I went throw this alot.. although it was never and upstairs down stairs things.. it was neighbors.. they would hear me I suppose when my brothers were mean.. I remember being so afraid I never told anyone what was going on.. in fact I think I was truly convinced it was all my fault.. BUt anyway I have referred to the song a couple of times so I thought for those who had never heard it I would show ya the Lyric. anyway Love ya... Hugs and kisses to most of ya My name is Luka I live on the second floor I live upstairs from you Yes I think you've seen me before If you hear something late at night some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don't ask me what it was, just don't ask me what it was, just don't ask me what it was I think it's cause I am clumsy I try to not talk too loud Maybe it's because I'm crazy I try not to act too proud They only hit until you cry after that you don't ask why You just don't argue anymore, you just don't argue anymore,you just dont argue anymore Yes I think I'm okay I walked into the door again if you ask just what I'll say it's not your business anyway Yes I like to be alone nothing broken nothing torn Just don't ask me how I am Just don't how I am, Just don't ask me how I am My name is Luka I live on the second floor I live upstairs from you Yes I think you've seen me before If you hear something late at night some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don't ask me what it was, just don't ask me what it was, just don't ask me what it was I think it's cause I am clumsy They only hit until you cry after that you don't ask why You just don't argue anymore, you just don't argue anymore,you just dont argue anymore Comments: Kiss my cheek.

A poem written by a friend for me [11 May 2001|03:12pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | none ] I just wanted to share this.. I sweet friend wrote this for me.. I'm not revealing his name as well I don't know how he would like that. Anyway here goes.... those memories, those homicidal maniacs begging you to hurt yourself kill yourself take you off and hide you away urging you on how life has changed, since those memories began they burn down your wall that you put up to try and block them out how you wish you could just live another life those memories, which torment your past and betray your future there is no way to forget them they made you who you are dear god, don't forget them live through them, that's the only way can't you see? let them be your strength your own temple, your hide away it's not a perfect world people make mistakes, live through them those people, who you talk to night after night without knowing them, truly they are there to support you, to be there for you let them support your weight and carry you, but do not let them drop you. Comments: 1 kiss - Kiss my cheek.

Mother's Day-warning may make ya cry [11 May 2001|11:56am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Ja rule ] Mother's Day is coming very soon. Trandtionally it is a day we honor our mothers.... So well I think I am gonna write on that topic. My own mother and I have never been close ... She never really cared for me.. I think my mother is an example that you don't simply love your kids just because you are their mother that there is some sort of magically bond there.... I know from my own kids... Of course when Kenzie was born I adored her... but as time went by I had to learn to love her.. I had to bond with her... I often think maybe mother just never bonded with me... it really makes sense. Mind you although I may not like the way my mother treated me and hurts deeply that I have never been able to win her love or her approval so much that even as an adult I still want...no want isn't the word I crave her love and approval... I talked to mom yesterday... The Doctor is worried about her...she is blacking out...getting numb.. forgetting lots of things... They are doing a MRI on Monday to check for any problems..getting faced with the fact that her life is shortening...makes the urge to mend things with her even stronger. I don't want my mother to die thinking that she truly never loved me even the slightest bit... As I sit here.. I am wondering.. does she perhaps feel guilty for how she treated me? Does she feel badly for all that has happened in our past.. is she afraid to make herself vulnerable by approaching me? Does she fear that I will reject her? It would never happen. I think I will fight to build the courage to approach her just need to plan out how to do it as she tends to get defensive easily. Oh well onto the next part of this. Most of you who read this may or may not know that in 1998 On May 8th I gave birth to a little boy who I named Isaac. Sadly He was stillborn.. that wasn't a surprise cause the morning before I had found out he was dead....knew then that the labor and such wasn't going to have a happy outcome... I remember clearly that even though there was no movement and the ultrasound clearly showed his heart wasn't beating.. I kept thinking perhaps this is a mistake..Maybe when he was born he would be alive....I think I tried to decieve myself. Lord I remember that all too clearly...Ed wouldn't leave my side.. he would go to get food and come back and eat with me... One of my friends from Church stayed with me at all times... Even thoughout the night.... all the way up until several hours after he was born. I remember all the people who came to see me the grief and sadness on their faces.. Heh strangely I was cheering them up... but see they saw the reality.. I cried hysterically when I found out.... then I was peaceful until the very moment I delivered him.. at that point when his tiny body exited mine.... I lost it complete... I held him for awhile looking at his tiny face,his hands... everything about him was perfect... except his tiny heart wasn't beating.. his lungs did not take in air. Through the night I requested him brought several times to hold him. When I left the hospital I start crying again... I wanted my son back I wanted him alive.. That Sunday was Mother's day.. I spent the day making furneral arrangements for him... I think on that day two things happened... I lost the meaning and value of Mothers day...and I became angry at God. The following days were bad... On Monday I had to return to the hospital as I had infection in my uterus.. the Dr. Bob was great she made it so I could go to the service,, not that she had any choice as I made it clear that I would remove the IVS and such and leave without consent if I had to. Hmmm I know this is probably depressing for anyone reading it and yes honestly I have shed a few tears during this post... but I am not sad... I am writing things I never had the courage to admit to myself.... funny how we so easily decieve ourselves... well the whole thing of this... This year on mother's day.. I am gonna celebrate being a mother and having one as well... I am certain Isaac is up in heaven looking down at me.. happy to see me making this decision. Anyway Isaac my lil angel up in Heaven.. I love you and I hope to hold you in my arms again some day. Comments: Kiss my cheek.

[11 May 2001|08:59am] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Kissed by a rose and Crazy by Seel ] I am really liking this Journal thing, thanks so much Iain for telling me about this.. it really is a good thing perhaps I will even start writing poetry again. Heh Now there is a really scary thought. Anyway, been listening alot to "Luka" today.. so this entry will likely be about my past... My first memory is of when I was two, my brothers, particularly Bobby, Had me get in a sleeping bag with him, he was standing up in it and lifted me in with him. I remember he pulled the top up to his shoulders, it was over my head.. but I wasn't scared... I remember him getting out of it telling me how neat it was to be in there alone....He ended up tying it over my head... I don't know how long I was in there at that age time doesn't really exist, but I remember him and billy laughing...being dragged across the floor.. my mother calling , the sound of their footsteps as the walked away.... I remember my mother pulling me out of the bag which they had put in the closet...most of all I remember they were not punished in anyway... Later on when I was older I realized their intent was to kill me.. as the attempted several other times. I remember them beating me, the cruel things they would do... At first i would go to my mom.. expecting her to protect me I guess.. I learned quickly that just wasn't gonna happen...even worse.. I learned that I wasn't wanted or loved for that matter.... not loved, not even liked.. I was stupid,worthless, I wasn't good for anything.. I should have never been... Even now as an adult this still bothers me... I really don't feel like going into more of that.. perhaps another day. Today actually is a fairly good day so far...Brandon is on and awaiting this post Hey Brandon!! Ahhh there is a topic I want to touch on....Brandon... Brandon is a really sweet guy... I will never understand why he loves me so much.. the way I have changed recently I am completely undeserving of his love... Those 5 words.. I knew they hurt him I just never realized how deeply... I still cry everytime I think of it.. it was so wrong although he has said he has forgiven me...I am not certain I could forgive myself for hurting him... Never has he done anything to hurt me... he has been nothing but good to me. A true loyal friend.. never once did he play the games with me.. Hell, he knows things about me that no one else does and I know he will never tell a soul.. he has been there for me even when I haven't been very much fun to be around...even more so he has been there when no one else was... I remember the first time I talked to him on the phone.. Oh my was he ever pissed off at me.. He was mad... I remember meeting him... heh The Roleplaying has been funny Bruno Forcing Ishtar down the aisle.. that was so funny... I remember sparring with him.. damn he never held back... Drachon being Emi/Blaze father.. Duramos.. pursuing her..Heh Now there is something I should allowed to happen... Why as the mun didn't I? Perhaps I was afraid I might realize deeper feelings for him through the character.. Anyone who knows the Char Emi/blaze knows she mirrors me alot...Brandon I think knows better than anyone.. he has seen her from the very beginning and watched as we both transformed.... I often wonder what Brandon thinks of the transformation...has it been so slight he hasn't noticed? That is doubtful He can read me like a book... He has always known ... Wow speaking of Rp... I am beginning to realize I have missed it..yet in many ways I am reluctant to return to it... must figure out exactly why that is... I know partly it is because Of John... he is there... he is always there and when I am there he assumes I am there for him and starts making advances again. Enough for now.... "What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end* Comments: Kiss my cheek.

Why? [10 May 2001|11:53pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Hurt by NIN and Luka by Susan Vega ] Why do I always care about those who at one moment they can't get enough of me then the next it's like I am not there? It has happened way too often. I always fall and want the ones who are like that.... is it a way to continue to hurt myself? Seriously here, let's think about this...even when not cutting I am setting myself up for pain..emotional pain but pain all the same... Deep deep emotional I feel regardless... no matter how much I shut down there will always be at least one person who can hurt me... I ALWAYS let myself get close to that person. In part... I think that is what I am doing.... Perhaps that explains why I am pulling away from everyone... the survivor in me is trying to keep from allowing myself to be hurt.... Hmmm Perhaps that is it. Perhaps I am turning back into the cold cynical bitch I used to be... the one that no one here believes I can be..... I laugh to myself when people talk about how nice and sweet I am.... Today someone jokingly asked if I was Rae in TS when her name was mentioned... several people quickly commented on how I was too nice and such..... Sadly, they only see what I allow them to see... only a couple people have even seen a glimpse of what I truly am.. Brandon, Brett, and Matt..... Brett moreso then any other...just cause there is so much about us that are similar...Only difference is I don't hide behind arrogance.. he does... So many hopes and dreams that I doubt will be recognized...the one I love.. I have loved for a long time.. he is the one who can make things better...but again he can so easily destroy me.. I wonder if he even knows that.. then again it is best he doesn't. Heh The song LUKA I always have related to know " They only hit until you cry after that you don't ask why? You just don't argue anymore" God that stuff. it has to wait until another day... I can't deal with that right now Comments: Kiss my cheek.

First Entry [10 May 2001|08:16pm] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | None ] Wow.. My first entry.. isn't this exciting. Although I am not sure of why exactly I am doing this when Iain told me about it something just said "Do it!" So here I am. Well for those who will read this I must warn you when I do free writing like this I tend say everything that I am thinking. So please no hard feelings. Currently, I think the thing I am thinking the most about is why I can't seem to get over my fears.. why do I still turn to the net for my "friends" Yes I know the quotes show sarcasm but the reality of the matter is that very few people on the net do I consider friends. Actually, I see myself pulling away from everyone,oddly it isn't something I can exactly explain.. All I know is that I am tired of putting trust in people only to have then betray that trust. Now that doesn't mean that they lie or anything.. but I have had some under the guise of friends try and play head games... Funny that person doesn't even realize they don't have a hold on me anymore.. basically all power given to them over me is gone.. I took it back. I have those who love me and I would never doubt their love but then I ask myself why don't I allow myself to love them the same way? What am I afraid of? Perhaps someday I will know... Ugh then there are the ones who say they love me and are persistant in their efforts to get me.. but at the same time are pursuing others. I talked to Stuart today.. I was sadden to find out that he doesn't even consider me a friend.. when I think of how much we loved each other at one time.. how much we trusted each other... to have it tossed aside for something so incredibly stupid.. just because I wouldn't Cyber with him... Oh well.. I suppose that shows what kind of friendship We had... this is a prime example of why I have distanced myself. For those who are hurt by that I am truly sorry.. I am trying to change it but with little success.. only one person can make me forget about all that... and even then I still am not even letting him in completely. Comments: Kiss my cheek.

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